G is for Game

1. Put your iTunes (or any other media player you may have) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Paper Heart – All American Rejects

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Enchantment -Corrine Bailey Rae

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
We don’t need no stinking fangs- The Bella Cullen project

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Viva Forever – Spice Girls

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Wednesday – Tori Amos

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Bittersweet Symphony – The Verve

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Pressure – Paramore (huh. Wow.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Don’t worry about a thing - Van Morrison & Georgie Fame

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
2 Become 1 – Spice Girls

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Fat Boy - Jewel

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Wake me up when September ends – Greenday

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
10:15 Saturday Night – The Cure

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Step Up - Samantha Jade

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Unconditional –The Bravery

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Dosvedanya Mio Bombino – Pink Martini

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Expecting – The white Stripes

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Pure – Superchic(k)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
The Piano Knows something I don’t know. – Panic! At the disco

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
This old Man – Tori Amos

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Float On – Modest mouse

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Wart Hog – The Ramones

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Mr. Bad Man – Tori Amos

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
New Song – Ginny Owens

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
The Ledge – The Replacements

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
We both reached for the gun - Richard Gere, Renée Zellweger, Christine Baranski & Cast

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Only In your dreams -- weezer (...that's not even funny! ...okay it kinda is XD )

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Nature Boy – David Bowie

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Primary – The Cure

G is for game.

Shuffle game.

F is for... FINALLY

I'm here once again. My head is recently shaved. Good ol' finals.

I had to cut it. I did it last Saturday. One dollar a day if I can not pick ANYTHING. It's harder than it sounds. >.<

Why "Finally"?

Well I guess it could be a double meaning.

F could be finally and freedom.

I finally got my Lisence, which gives me the freedom to drive myself places. FINALLY!

I failed once...guy was a perfectionist. said i was going too slow. I wanted to smack him...or cry. I opted to take the anger route as I had work a few hours later and I wanted to be "presentable". Ended up breaking down later anyway. That was a fun conversation with my mum.

The second time I passed. This guy said I just needed to be more aware of my surroundings. Probably true.

I brought my car up to school with me. It's out in the parking lot...all dirty. But who cares! My car is up here!

Wooo!

H is for Haven

H is for Haven.

Wow. It's been awhile. Again, a lot has happened.

I write from the medium-tinted desk that sits before a window overlooking a green, flowery pathway. My modest bed sits behind me, the desk drawer cabinet sits beside it, acting as a bed stand. My room lies in disarray. Sure my desk is clean, with the exception of a special K box, a focus vitamin water, a bowl for my cereal, a glass of water from last night and my cap, but I got into the mood to clean last night.

What can I say? I do that.

Clothes litter the floor is some disorganized chaos. I prefer to call the force that makes my room perpetually disheveled the "Artistic tornado". It's a tornado as I am pretty organized in my nature. I can organize areas very well...It's just a matter of keeping things organized. It's just a matter of cleaning up after myself. It's a tornado because my room is never that difficult to clean, it just looks bad. In reality, cleaning it will take me 20 minutes, or maybe 45 minutes tops.

My walls are white in some areas, scenic in others. Gah, I really need more pictures. This whiteness is killing me. I noticed just 3 days ago that the majority of my pictures are French in nature. Be it Moulin Rouge--I have an old photo of the building itself (taken by a photographer obviously) and a picture reference from the 1800's. I have the poster with the black cat and the words "Tournee ou Chat Noir", I have a photo I took myself of the "Queen's castle" where Lady Diane stayed when queen Catherine kicked her out of Paris for Diane's affair with Henry the second (I made the picture inky black and white); I have a Phantom of the Opera painting a friend gave me (though my friend is American, I count this poster as French as the author of The Phantom of the Opera is French....

I Why am I describing this scene to you?

Why am I telling you about the place where I live?

Why?

This place has become my Haven.

In late August I made the trip up here with most of my belongings packed in my mother's van. That's right. I am back at college. I am no longer hearing yelling, no longer getting entangled in my mom and step dad's relationship. I am realizing that I have friends here...good friends. It is hard to adjust but I am getting the hang of it. My roommates aren't too bad (They're actually very cool), my room is a single and it's very comfortable...and I actually have my own bathroom. I wish my boyfriend were here...I miss him...But soon we hope. As soon as we get enough money...

I am looking for a job, currently. It's difficult as there are many people looking. But I have a feeling I'll get one...

I sigh.

It's always about the money.

Anyway, that topic is for another time. I've made this post very long already.

PS:

I have decided that for this blog I will go with letters. This was not intentional in the first place but then it just showed up. <3

T is for Tension

What's happened since the last time I've written?

Oh dear.


Could it be the realization that my life could be made into one of those Estrogen run, Lifetime movies?

It's true!!

Anyway, more on the subject.

lesssssee....did I tell you that "Bob" (Stepdad) blamed me for the problems in his and mum's marriage?

Or that last night he screamed in my face?

*checks*
Aha I didn't!

so...

One morning--maybe a week or two ago--I was watching TV in the morning. It wasn't yet 8am so I wasn't supposed to be "Up and out". Weeelll...Bob got all "rawr" and stole the remote and I was grounded from the TV. Okay...

The following morning, I apologized to Bob. He said "Well, I forgive you but...it's like what happens when you run over my toes with the car. I forgive you, but my toes are still broken. My mom doesn't want to tell you this but I believe in telling you the truth: you are the cause of the problems in this marriage. you and your mom." What a nice guy that Bob is.

And he's a Marriage, Family, Child therapist too. Fun times.

My thoughts?

It's soooooo not my fault.

I mean, I am not in this marriage and he blames me?! What the heck, dude?

Next on the list....The following two weeks were horrible. He wasn't speaking to me but he still expected me to do stuff around the house. HA HA HA. How am I supposed to know what needs to be done when all I recieve is silence?

Take yesterday for example, he expected me to do stuff around the house by leaving them in places for me to find. How immature is that?! How would you like to wake up and as you go to the restroom notice that the kitchen trash can is in the sink? Why is it there? Mom told me later that it's because he saw my In-And-Out (A west coast fast food place with KILLER shakes and birgers and fries) cup in the trash and apparently the trash was full so he thought I should be the one to take it out. GRAH! *frustrated noise*

So, what did I do all day yesterday?

As Bob didn't ask me to do anything, I...stayed in my room on the computer. XD That made him reeeal happy.

When mom came home I heard him complaining about me through the wall. Finally, I'd had enough. I came out of my room and said (Note: DIDN'T yell) angrily, "If you freakin' have something to say about me, say it to me. Not to mom."

And he was in my face in less than two seconds screaming "SHUT UP AND GET OUT"

Then mom yelled back "DON'T YOU EVER TALK TO MY DAUGHTER LIKE THAT AGAIN"

Afterwards we planned on leaving...we were gonna stay at a family friend's house. Bob wouldn't get out of the house. So we had to leave. The house I've called home for 19 years and (close to) 4 months..jeez. Fair.

So today mom and bob talked.

Bob missed mom.

bob said sorry.

I believe he needs a psych eval.

And a physical.

I don't believe his brain is right...er...that something snapped.

He may be sorry but I am not trusting him at the moment. Nu uh.

Anyway...yeeea. I'm done.

Night, all! Thanks for reading!

The D Word

Divorce.

My step dad doesn't think he and my mom can last. He believes that they are headed on a bad path. Not a biblical one. And...I think I may have spurred the argument. How? Well me and...let's call him....Bob. Bob and I don't really get along at times. Like everyone you know. I am 19 and I feel like everytime I am home from college I am placed in the position of Cinderella. As they have both explained to me, I don't/didn't have a job (Though actually I just got one) and I am around the house. However, I still felt the pressure. Well...yesterday I said some things to mom (who has been feeling like she is placed in the middle) and I think she brought that up to him...and I think it started this.

Let me give you some background

(in list form)

1. my dad died when I was 10 of Melenoma

2. Bob came around when I was 14, at first wanting to be "Friends" With my mom

3. Bob and mom were highschool sweet hearts before my dad.

4. Bob and Mom started dating (I entered "Psycho Bitch" mode)

5. Mom and Bob got married one year later (I exited "Psycho bitch" mode while my brother, sister-in-law and sister still stayed in a semi-angry mode)

6. Sister moves out because she and bob can't get along (Well she's really kicked out)

7. Turns out gettin kicked out is good for sister.

8. I develope Trichotillomania in the 10th grade (so when I was 15).

-Trichotillomania is... well, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichotillomania

yes I really pull out my hair. It's shaved right now.

9. I am, obviously, trying to get rid of tricho.

10. I feel like Cinderella.

11.I go away to school. Don't have the tricho until good ol' finals. Then it sticks with me.

12. I come back and things have changed. Brooke, get a job. Brooke, wake up at 7 am. Go out with your friends. But first wash the windows...do this and that. I begin to resent living here.but I still push on because I love my family.

13: I have trouble letting people in because I have a fear of being abandoned ever since my dad so this divorce idea isn't helping that side of my issues.

.

.

.

Enough issues to cover next month's Vogue issue?

I know.

.

.

.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. Praying is a good start. Oh, that's right, I am Christian. I am positive and energetic, as well as hopeful and (I try to be) Faithful to God.

+

What do I believe?

+

Divorce isn't necessary. I think this family needs to have better communication. I need to tell Bob what's going on. Bob needs to tell me. We need to tell mom. We need to have a huge discussion. We need to get through all of these issues. Together. God, lend us your strength. We can do this...I hope.

.

Well...That's all I am going to talk about right now. Sorry for the downer. You wanted into my world. Into my head. Well, here you go.

My World

I am in my cluttered bedroom of my parents' house, the soft sunlight of the summer evening streaming in through my window, the birds singing their choruses outside. I sit on the grey carpet in front of the broken mirror of my shallow closet. I stare at myself as if trying to see something. As if trying to see if I can become the next Elinore Roosevelt or Marilyn Monroe, Marie Curie or Emily Dickinson, or even "Baby Spice" of the Spice Girls. Will I discover something amazing? Will I accomplish my dream of becoming immortalized in this world through the words I speak or actions I take?

I study the soft, young lines of my face, the shortness of my blond hair, the mix of blue and green in my eyes. Who will I become as this year goes on? Who will I be in five years? Ten years? Or a better question...who am I now? What value do I have in this world?

Why am I asking these questions to people I hardly know? To a blog on a database I just became aware of? Should these questions be for my own mind rather than your's?

Well...yeah.

They are my questions to myself, however they should be everyone else's as well. At least, it is my hope that everyone else shares the same wonders.

I hope my own journey to that psychologist-proclaimed "Self Discovery" Will help some of you out there. You may not be female or even around my age but I believe we can learn things about ourselves through those younger or older, male or female (or other), or even people of different personalities all together (Which is, you know, everyone). I would be satisfied if this "journal" only spurred questions, not even answers. I just want those around to learn from me. Of me. I want to know of you as well. I have the urge to know more and more about you if you'll help me.

Thank you for reading and keep up with me as I let you into my world. As I let you into the mind of a 19 year old college student with a love for people and a totally different outlook. Please ask me questions, give me suggestions, talk with me. I want to hear from you.